Relationshipz: A Commentary, A Confession, A Study

5pm, windy, with halos of Sun shining thru the clouds. There's a beautiful breeze blowin outside, has been all day long. Not too hot, noo too cold. Its a Chinese New Year wind, serenading the citizens of Seremban town. On the way up to Bukit Rasah, even though I was late for afternoon class, I had to stop for a minute, and just stand there in peaceful silence, letting the warm wind caress me and bring back the memories of the many Chinese New Year winds I had enjoyed in the past (also to dry my sweaty back). 23 years just pass by so fast, we barely have time to take stock of the memories we acquire with each passing day.

Im still typing out the post abt my cny adventures, but i tot i'd like to address the aforementioned issue (cheh, like writing formal letter...).

A lot of ppl have been asking me the same damn thing:

"When u gonna get girlfriend?"

"Ah Han, when u getting girlfriend?"

"Hah, u still single?"

"Jo, u want to be like Dr.Y?"

"Are u gay?"

I get tired giving the same damn old answers:

"After i go thru my housemanship first."

"Coming, Ah Yi, coming..."

"Surprised?"

"Wan to be as smart as him onli..."

"Yes, im gay, wakaka, are U too??? (followed with evil, sardonical smile)"

Society pressures us to get a girlfriend, but why? Has anybody stopped to think for awhile? True, i myself feel the pressure, the primal urge in the male hormones that yells "Woi, get up and reproduce!!" But we are not apes or baboons, we dun simply run around chasing after pheromones and humping whichever female (or unlucky male if its a really horny baboon with bilateral cataracts) we chance upon. We're in the 21st century, not the stone age. Our brains have evolved to grow the neo-cortex atop the reptilian cortex. The neo-cortex gives us control over our primal instincts, sending out the warning if we were to simply romp about: "Heard of STD?"

Society also has a negative viewpoint on guyz and gurlz who are still single. Must be sumthin wrong with that fella. That girl sure got bad history with guyz wan. He must be GAY.

I think singledom is a time when u analyze urself. Where u learn to live by ur own, and enjoy being alone, without needing companionship first. Its about being comfortable with urself, learning to draw happiness from within, not find it from without.

Yesterday in the gym, me and my friends C and CK (anonymous for now) were discussing about girls, when we chanced upon a scenario of a certain type of girl: a girl who constantly gets into a relationship, then breaks up, gets back in, then breaks up again etc.

It is very common to see ppl who get in and out of relationships rapidly, but why is it that they do so? Out of desperation because of the norms that society imposes on us? Or perhaps something lacking from within?

I had a crush on a girl recently. It went from glances to hellos'. I felt a bit of chemistry that went beyond just good looks, and i was attracted to her soft and graceful demeanor, especially her beautiful smile. Unfortunately, she was already with sumone else. So i laid the line at "friend". Months went by, casual hellos went on to asking for advice and simple msg'ing.
Then one day, when i went online, i saw her profile change from in a relationship to single. Whoosh...i quickly drew up my battle plans to take it beyond the line of friend. I am a bit of a slow person, as i prefer the steadily glowing embers of love rather than the roaring fire of passion. This is what any good Scout would know when cooking over an open fire: they want to produce good, eat-able food, not burnt bits of crisps and carbonized flakes. So my plans were to take it step by step, slooowly...

...but to my utter surprise, it went back to in a relationship in just 2 weeks. Either sumthin happened in their relationship and she was real angry at that moment, or she got a new boyfriend. Either way, that was really FAST. Im not sure which happened, but well, we're back to "just friends", and im bloody banging my head on the wall in frustration of how slow i was.

I've met many girls in the past who've seemingly cycle rapidly thru many relationships without a buffer period in between, perhaps what we might call a "refractory period".

It was like as if they had a vacuum in their hearts that constantly needed to be filled by men being in their life. Something was lacking, something they look for but cannot find as they go from one person to another, trapped in an unhappy cycle. Wanting to break out.

I always believed that a person needs at least 1 year or more after a breakup to find herself, to discover her life abit and to analyze what went wrong in the previous relationship. Thus adequate learning has taken place, before entering into a new relationship. I believe, b4 entering into a relationship, one has to be whole person first. A relationship is not where partners complement each other for traits that they dun have. People change over time, a quiet person may become an outgoing person, the humble become arrogant, the flowers stop coming in. The things that do not change are the principles u hold true to ur life, which u can only find once u have found urself, as a whole, independant person.

A relationship is (to quote SGI President Daisaku Ikeda) not two people looking into each other's eyes, but two people looking in the same direction. He quotes China Premier Zhou Enlai (i think thats his name) and his wife as an examplary couple. On his tombstone, his wife etched the words: "Zhou Enlai, husband and comrade-in-life". How wonderful if two people were to go thru life creating value all the way.

I read a book long ago (i think its still in Bukit Jalil library) titled Love: An Addiction, or sumthin like dat. Its quite an old book, so the social demographics might be outdated, but it highlighted a very important fact: how love can be addictive, and in turn, destructive. The author compares the many similarities between falling in love and taking cocaine. After a breakup, a person craves for the same love she or he had in the previous relationship, and in desperation, just grabs the next person s/he can find. This establishes a vicious cycle that a person may get stuck in forever if s/he doesnt look into their hearts to find the solution to their unhappiness.

Buddhism always teaches us to look inside for happiness, and not to find happiness on the outside. Such external raptures are temporary, at risk of disappearing in an instant. Nichiren's Buddhism classifies this amongst the Ten Worlds, our states of life an any given moment. The world of Heaven, at the 5th rung, is a place of utmost joy, but its also an unsteady place that can at anytime fall back into the lower worlds of unhappiness.

Relationships are good places to learn more about urself, to learn how to be a good spouse before getting married, to learn about how each person in this world are so different from each other, and how to live with that fact. That would be healthy relationship. A relationship shouldnt be about clinging to someone and making him/her ur source of happiness. A relationship should drive both of u to grow and do great things in life that contribute to humankind.

"I need u" has a whole different meaning from "I want to be with u".

Reader's Digest Feb 2008 had an article about a study on "attraction and soulmates" that was done in a university. A volunteer was given a personality of a made-up person, and told to mark down what he/she liked about that person. After that, the volunteer was given yet another personality, but with different traits. And so on and on...

Statistical analysis of the results showed that the optimum number of people that u should be interested in before finding the perfect mate was 9 out of 100. Means that at the 9th person u fall in love with, uv already have enough information of the type of partner u want. Less than that, u have too little information about the perfect person u should be with. More than that, ur missing out on perfect partners.

On another note, perhaps someone should do sum research and come up with a standard measurement for gauging which of the ppl around u is to be classified as acquaintance, friend, good friends, mates, boy/girlfriend. That way, we can avoid confusion and misunderstandings. Sometimes girls can be extra-friendly, and u'll be cracking ur head whether she's just playfully flirting with u, or she's seriously sending signals across (which we guys usually have ALOT of trouble interpreting).

There are things in life that need to be done quickly, like ur case report when the due date is tomorrow, but there are things that need to go slowly. Patience will be rewarded.

To that certain girl,i wish u well of a wonderful life, no matter who ur with. Look within ur heart for the happiness u seek. Fight hard in the challenges that come ur way, remember that relationships are not all what life is about and become a girl who creates value and contributes to the wellbeing of society. Answer ur calling in life, gambatte!

PS. And to anyone else asking the same questions as mentioned above, ask me medical stuff la!